It’s been approximately a year and a half since I started studying at University and since then, a lot has changed. In this essay, I would like to tell you my story about how I went into a Computer Science degree with an insane passion for programming. How the institution slowly but surely turned the passion into hatred. And what I’m now doing to reignite the passion once again. Let’s start with how I got into programming.
It all started in high school. One of the main reasons I chose this high school was that in their propagation they put a big emphasis on learning computer science-related things, especially programming. Which was something I really wanted to learn, but I just thought I’m too dumb to do it myself.
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) the opposite was the truth. There were in the end nearly no programming classes during the entirety of the time.
So after a year of attending the school, I’ve decided that if they won’t teach me how to do the programming I’m gonna learn it myself. I didn’t care about being too dumb for it anymore. The craft got me pretty fast. I really loved the way it makes me think. There was a time when while I wasn’t at school or training, all I did was learn to program. In a third year, when we finally got a class delegated to programming, I already knew all they were about to teach us. In some ways, I even knew more than the teacher himself.
Fortunately, he was a cool guy and let me do my stuff whilst he was teaching the rest of the class.
While still in high school I found myself a part-time job as a web developer. This job put my programmer’s confidence back where it belongs (very low to be precise). I’ve realized how much I still don’t know and how much I still need to learn to be at least a decent-level programmer. I was excited! In a few months, I did such big progress that I was able to do the same work as some of the full-time employees were doing.
I love the job and I’m working there part-time till this day.
When you see this, it probably seems like a no-brainer to go to a University to study computer science and learn even more about the field I love, right? I thought it as well and that was a mistake.
After finishing my high school finals and spending summer break at my part-time job, my University journey started. I had high expectations. What I really thought would be the main thing for me was AI. I was always fascinated by AI but I just never seemed to muscle through the math that was needed to understand it, so I hoped the University would help me with that. I also expected to get to know new people interested in the world of computer science same as I was. But I was wrong…
I’ve realized pretty quickly that the classes are very outdated which is for CS and especially AI a terrible thing. The first semester I did nearly no programming. All I did was math. I knew there will be math and I knew I’m pretty good at it but yet the amount seemed to me a little too much, but I thought that maybe the next semesters will have significantly less math and more practical stuff. I was wrong.
After the 3 semesters pretty much 2/3 of everything I did was some kind of math. The rest was divided into some theoretical outdated stuff and… programming.
So that was the first reality check, and now the second. Community. I imagined myself getting to know many new interesting people that are passionate about the same as I, but the thing is, after those 3 semesters I barely know anyone new. I went there with few friends from high school and we stuck together which made it harder for me to socialize with new people because I didn’t have that much of a reason. But the main reason I didn’t really get to know anyone new, is that I just don’t like nearly anyone here.
What I’ve realized is that I’m just not a typical CS student. I’m a guy who spends hours in the gym, takes care of his diet and sleeping schedule, doesn’t drink alcohol, and dresses and grooms himself very well. For comparison, most of my fellow students are terribly groomed ‘discord mod’ like nerds with 0 social skills wearing the same shirt and pair of jeans all year round. I’ve realized I just want to have nothing to do with people like this. And I know this sounds terribly selfish and egoistic like I’m something more than them which isn’t the truth, but I just didn’t belong there.
I felt like an imposter.
Even though those facts hit me pretty hard in the face. I was still convinced that I will finish school because everyone around me expected a degree from me. And I was doing pretty well. I was capable of somehow finishing even the hardest classes with not that much effort.
But all of that changed at the end of the 3rd semester. We had a team project that was all about programming. You may now think: “Well good, finally something you can enjoy.” I’ve had the same thoughts. However the longer we were working on the project, the more I hated every single moment of it. I never thought in my life that one day I will be sitting in front of a computer screen, looking at the colorful letters and questioning every single decision of my life. When I think about it now, the project had multiple flaws. First, it was an unrealistic non-practical assignment. Second, it was extremely heavy on math and especially parts I hated. And third, we as a team were unable to get organized right.
For the comparison at the same time I was working on a presentation for the optional English conversation class (you can watch the presentation here). The topic was happiness. Unlike the programming project, I actually enjoyed a lot thinking about the presentation structure, the way I will speak, and all other things.
And now for the real mindfuck. The defense of our project and the presentation to the English conversation were scheduled for the same day. I first went to present about happiness to the English conversation class. Despite it being an optional and pretty much free class you passed automatically, I felt nervous starting to speak. This is weird because I usually don’t get much nervous speaking in front of people (I learned to enjoy it throughout the years). But at this specific moment, I was nervous. And it was for one reason. I really cared about the things I got to say, and I really cared about the people I’m saying them to. I wanted them to have that ‘aha’ moment that makes them think differently. I wanted to positively affect their lives. And I did that to a certain extent. My speech wasn’t the best I could give for sure but it was good enough and I was satisfied.
Then was a time for our project defense. I gathered with my team and went to the class this took place. Before we even stepped in, we knew we are fucked. The professor waiting for us told us to prepare our PowerPoint slides. But we had none. Our leader misunderstood the instructions for the defense and thought we will be just talking about the code. That we don’t need any presentation (Lesson learned, since that I’ve decided to be in the lead of every team because I can’t trust my teammates to be responsible enough). So we went in without slides, thinking we can somehow freestyle it, together. Then another fuck up. We got informed that only one person from the team will be randomly selected to present. It ended up being me…
So I had to stand up in front of 2 professors and I had to defend a project that was ruining my life for the last 2 months, without slides or a slight glimpse of preparation. One would think that I felt pretty nervous at that moment. Right? Well as I’ve realized, I actually wasn’t nervous at all. I didn’t give a fuck. I told them something, got the absolute minimum of points that were possible, and went home.
The longer I was thinking about it the more it occupied my mind. I was more nervous speaking in an optional free class talking about a random philosophical topic than I was while talking to 2 respected professors about the project I should’ve enjoyed because it was all about programming. Programming that was the first ever reason I even went to the school.
This hit me a lot and when I got informed that I failed the class because I was missing 2 stupid points that I could’ve easily gotten from the defense if we prepared for it, I said enough. I really don’t want to go through this hell of a project again next year because that would maybe lead to me quitting programming completely or at least hating it for the rest of my life.
So I made the decision to switch schools.
I found myself school hopefully more suited for my goals. It is still Computer science but not in its purest form. It is much more specialized in development which is a field I see myself in. (It is also a very new discipline that didn’t exist 2 years ago when I was attending University for the first time). I don’t expect much, only to have more time for the things I like and less stupid math and theory.
I will start there this September. That means I’ve got over half a year to get some things straight.
I need to change the expectations I have from the university a lot. The thing that got me, in the end, was that I wasn’t able to fulfill my expectations about AI and community and didn’t see anything else valuable enough to stay. So for this school, I need to find some good motivation. Not only that it’s a title grab.
And second, and for me the more important one. I need to once again reignite my passion for programming. And this I’m planning to do in multiple ways.
I still haven’t completely quit the old school, for this semester, I will attend only the classes that are really interesting to me, which isn’t much (3 to be precise). These classes have some actually interesting programming projects I’m excited about. The fact that I’ve got less than half of my classes this semester means that I will have more free time. This means that for the first time, I will be able to attend a part-time job even during a semester. This means not only I will earn some extra money, but also that I will work on some interesting projects there. And the last thing I will do is that I will be learning new interesting technologies by myself.
Hopefully, at the end of the summer, I will be once again excited about programming and ready for the new journey to a new school.
I will surely update you regularly on this.