“Nick, you don’t realize this, but you saved my life. And not only once, but too many times. I met you in high school, and yet it feels like I know you since the day I was born. All those moments, when we were learning things only to forget them the next day. All those hours we spent together in the gym. All those deep-late-night conversations. Moments when my world lacked all the colors but the blue and you came to me with a rainbow. Moments when we were, together, conquering the world. And moments we did absolutely nothing, or the stupidest things one can imagine. Those moments, those stories are what I will look back on in ten, twenty, even fifty years, and you will always be the main character in all of them. Your life was perfect chaos only a few lucky ones were able to understand, I’m proud to say I’m one of them. I know you always hated long speeches and too much praise, so I keep this short and sweet. I think it is alright if I now won’t speak only for myself, but also for your wife Laura, your son Magnus, and everyone else in this room, we will miss you. I know you wouldn’t like to see us grieve too much for you, but please, forgive us for these short moments, it’s our way to say goodbye. It is said, that every person dies twice. First, when they leave this physical world, and second, when for the last time, someone mentions their name. I can promise you, Nicky, that as long as we stand, you will always live, in our hearts. Your life, your love, your infinite optimism and energy, your sweet and kind heart, all of this will keep on living, and you won’t be forgotten. Goodbye, Nicky.”
I would much rather make a hundred more speeches as a witness at your weddings, no matter how lonely it would make me feel, it would still not be as hard as speaking at your funeral. I never, not even in my worst nightmares imagined this happening, and yet, here I am, giving you my last goodbye. I can promise you that no matter what Laura and Magnus will have a good life, that’s the duty of a friend.
I need to leave. This place really makes me feel like lying next to you and never getting up…
“Laura. I just want to make sure you know that there is no request too big to ask me.”
“Theo… Thank you.”
“There is nothing to thank for. Nicky would do the same if something happened to me and… I actually had someone left behind.”
“Left behind… That’s how you see us?”
“I do.”
“Theo are you doing it again? Romanticizing death? Dreaming about not being here?”
“I do. Actually, I never stopped. But now, I have something to live for. I have to make sure you and Magnus will be alright”
“And what about you Theo? Who will make sure that you’re alright?”
“I somehow managed to walk this earth for over thirty years now, I think the next thirty won’t be that much harder.”
“You had Nicky for those 30 years. But now? You need someone who will be here for you. I was thinking, Theo, that maybe I…”
“Laura. Trust me. I will be fine.”
“Theo just promise me, you will take care of yourself, be a little selfish. Nicky wouldn’t want to see you give up your whole life to serve other people. Promise me, Theo.”
“What shall I promise to you?”
“That you won’t give up.”
“I promise…”
“Thank you, Theo, for everything”
“Laura, please call me when you get home, and whenever you need anything from me.”
“I will. Goodbye, Theo.”
“Bye…”
Not even on a day like this, she won’t let go. It’s like you’re talking through her. Be a little selfish, stop wasting your life for the lives of others, try to find someone, give a love a chance, blah, blah, blah… I gave love way too many chances, I always ended up hurting the other person, as she ended up hurting me. Now I have finally something to live for, to keep your legacy alive, to make sure your life was worth it.
Days later, in Theo’s house…
“Nicky, you sick fuck. I never fully understood your humor, but I always seem to get at least a glimpse of some meaning in it. But what is the meaning of this? Leaving me here. Alone. You had everything. Wife, son, a promising future, great things ahead, and yet some outside forces made the decision that what you already achieved is enough for one’s life, that it’s time to go. I wonder, when will my guarding angel—or a devil maybe—come to me, saying, that it’s all over, that it’s time to go. Everyone knows it should’ve been me, not you. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to me, it’s not fair to Laura, and to young Magnus. The world is a fucked up place, and we’re nothing more than puppets acting in this twisted play…”
“Are you done?”
“Nick?!”
“Of course. For devil’s sake, for how much longer are you gonna sit in this room feeling sorry for yourself, watching your life passing by. When was the last time you slept, Theo? Is it bad again?”
“Nicky, how is this possible?”
“I think I asked you something didn’t I?”
“Yes, and no… It’s bad again, or maybe to be more precise, it never stopped being bad. But since the day you left, I didn’t truly close my eyes, I wasn’t able to get any rest. Just thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. All I can think about are other thoughts. They are like hydras. You cut the head of one, and two more will reappear. I didn’t touch porn or alcohol, I would say I’m proud to be off that shit for so long, but to be honest, the things that keep me occupied from falling back into these, are much worse. Oh Nicky you can’t even imagine. But tell me this. What are you doing here? We put you 6 feet under just a few days ago.”
“You know the answer Theo.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I’m you, Theo.”
“No… This ain’t fucking Fight Club. You’re way too real for that. What kind of woo-woo shit is this? Who are you? And why did you put on the mask of the only person in this world that made me feel like living? What kind of fucked up joke is that?”
Phone ringing
“Fuck! Stay right where you are. Don’t go anywhere!”
Picks the phone up.
“Laura?”
“Theo, Hi. How’re you doing?”
“Just as I always do. Talking to myself, spending hours in a gym, and trying to keep myself occupied. What about you?”
“Not too well… It seems like even young Magnus is handling this situation better than me. I need to talk to someone. Could you please come, Theo?”
“Of course Laura. Give me an hour and I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, Theo.”
“There’s nothing to thank for. Bye Laura, see you soon.”
“Bye Theo.”
“Now back to you. Where are you?”
“Still here, right where you left me. Are you going to do it? Finally, man up?”
“What are you talking about?”
“You are going to visit Laura am I right? My wife. My life. You’re gonna take it am I right? You’re gonna take my life.”
“What? No. What the hell are you talking about? You ain’t Nicky. The face is his but the words are of someone else. Who are you?”
“You.”
“No you’re fucking not.”
“But of course I am. Isn’t it obvious Theo? You need someone to talk to and nobody understands you more than I do, more than you do.”
“Fuck this. I ain’t that mad.”
“Well, seems like you’re… But take it from a positive side, at least you’re not alone…”
“I am fucking alone!”
Nick disappears…
That’s what I thought… It’s crazy how you, Nicky, can still make a difference in my life even though you’re now dead…
An hour passes, and Theo parks his car in front of Nicky’s and gets inside…
“Laura.”
“Theo, hi.”
“What are you drinking?”
“Port.”
“How much?”
“Too much. I would ask you if you want some, but I already know the answer.”
“You sure do.”
“Come, sit with me Theo, please.”
“Sure.”
“Isn’t life crazy?”
“It is.”
“You remember the time we first met?”
“I do, your friend Carol, tried to hook the two of us together.”
“Yeah, funny that not even six months later I met Nicky and we fell in love.”
“Surreal.”
“Have you ever thought about how different would life be, if we, you know… got together back then?”
“To be honest Laura, I did not. But I guess it would go as it always goes with me. We would fall in love, too fast to realize what we are really doing. Then we would ship a bunch of necessary steps, jumping straight into the intensity that two people can create, and sooner or later I would find something to hurt myself with, and by hurting myself, I would hurt you as well… Did you ever thought about us getting together back then?”
“I did, but probably never to this detail. I think you’re a little too pessimistic. What I always imagined was more like a relationship you and Nicky had. Pure, natural, everlasting. Did you know I was jealous about how close you and Nicky always were?”
“I certainly did not. Why?”
“Nicky had always a special place in his heart for you, a place he would never share with another person in this world, not even me… I always thought that it was my fault, that I’m doing something wrong, and that I’m not trying hard enough. I’m not saying that Nicky did not love me, I just think that he loved you more…”
“Laura, you know that that’s not true. Nicky would do anything for you, and for young Magnus, I can’t deny that he loved me, and I loved him, but you cannot compare the romantic love you and Nicky felt, with the love two friends can feel. They’re two different things.”
“Maybe you’re right Theo, I don’t know… I just always wondered, what it is about you, that makes people love you. What makes people feel the love that only friends could feel?”
“I asked myself this question many times. Why the hell would anyone spend time with me? Why would you, Nick, or anyone else think it is a good idea to be with me?”
“Well, I figured that out, Theo. A little time ago. It is because you listen. Because you listen and understand. When someone talks to you, you want to know what is going on, and what the person has to say, you’re not waiting for your turn to speak, no. You make people feel like they matter.”
“So why can’t I make myself feel that I matter?”
“You’re too harsh on yourself. I have never seen you celebrate any of your achievements. Not even a little.”
“There’s nothing to celebrate. Not yet.”
“There’s so much to celebrate. Everyday! Theo, you’re the kindest person I know. That’s worth celebrating. You’ve changed the lives of millions through your work. You made so many lives so much better by your existence. By the things you do.”
“And yet, the only person that I can’t make happy is myself.”
“You will figure it out Theo, we will figure it out. I know it.”
“Shouldn’t have I been the one helping you cope? Huh? What a turn of the tables.”
“You’re helping Theo, just by being here, that’s all I need. I need you. And you need someone too. Someone to help you realize how much you do for this world. How much you mean to people around you…”
I never realized how deep her eyes actually are. So deep that one can get lost in them and never be found again. When you sink into them, everything becomes just an echo of its true essence. I don’t know what more to say. I ain’t here anymore. I hear questions I cannot answer, nor comprehend. She’s getting closer with every beat of her heart. Touching me, if I was really here I could’ve felt her breath, the wine, nothing else. I blink, and her lips are touching mine, and for a moment, I don’t bother, I’m not there, it’s not me.
Wake up…
Wake up!
“What are you doing Laura? What are we doing?”
“Theo, I just… I don’t why I did that. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I think I’ll go now…”
“Please Theo, stay.”
“I don’t think I can Laura…”
At home…
“What the fuck is going on with me? How could I just let that happen? Where was I? Where was my mind?”
“You were so close…”
“So close to what?”
“To finally become who you’ve always wanted to be. Me.”
“What?”
“You said it yourself, at my funeral. I will always be the main character of your stories. You were always in the background, waiting on a bench, waiting for your time to shine. I’m dead now, what’s stopping you now? Take what you’ve always wanted. Take my life, my place. Be, for the first time, a hero of your own story.”
“This is not what I want, Nicky, that’s not fair to you. You were my friend and you will always be. This would ruin everything.”
“Are you really sure that it’s not what you want? Why else would I be here then? Trying to convince you.”
“You are nothing but a product of my madness.”
“Or, maybe I’m the product of your deepest desires huh? Desires to live my life. Be with my Laura, my Magnus. You always wanted to be me.”
“Don’t say this.”
“Then stop me! Don’t you still realize I am you? I say what you want to say, you’re just too weak to say it with your own mouth. So I put on Nicky’s face because it seems like he’s the only one you would listen to.”
“Maybe you’re right…”
“I am right.”
“I am supposedly good at listening. I listen to understand, not to respond. And yet for some reason when I talk to myself I never really understand, nor try to. I have to change this. What is it you’re really trying to tell me? What do you want from me, or better, what do I want from me?”
“To stop being a spectator. All your life, you chose someone to follow. You were a sidekick of mine for more than fifteen years and you never tried to live your life on your own. You were like an extra limb of mine and now, I’m dead and it is your turn to act, you don’t have anyone else to follow. It is time to become me, the main character. To become a hero for once. Or a villain. Do as you like. Just do something that is done for yourself.”
“You know this is much easier said than done, right? How can I just change?”
“You have no other option. You either start living your own life, or you die with me.”
“What if this is exactly what I want? To die with you. Because you were the only one who understood me on a deeper level. You even understood me more than I ever did. So now when you’re gone I still imagine talking to you, because that’s the only thing that makes sense to me. What if all I want is to just lie in a grave with you and never wake up?”
“Because you’re not done yet. You still have so many things to do. Your book, your legacy, and my legacy too. Now that I’m gone. You have to live your life for both of us. You were always waiting on your turn. Now is the time.”
“Now is the time… Time to move on. But that means that I will have to let you go. I will have to leave you.”
“You will. And that’s alright.”
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
“You have no other option. It’s either me or you. One of us has to go.”
“So this is a final goodbye?”
“It is.”
“I’ll miss you”
“Bet you will…”
Nick’s ghost disappeared…
I still have way too many reasons to stay. Still, too much to do. There’s no time to grieve. It’s time to kill the pain with work, as I always do. I have to speak with Laura again. She’s sober now I hope. I need to make sure she knows I’m still here for her, and Magnus. That I hold no grudge and that we will figure out how we to live our lives, together, but in honor of Nick’s memory. That’s the duty of a friend. But first. I think I need to ask myself one crucial question.
What do I want?
This story is a work of fiction. Even though it was inspired by my life,
it does not reflect at all how the events really happened. I changed them
a lot to fit the narrative and story I wanted to tell. If you’re someone
who knows me, then don’t worry, I’m not struggling as much as Theo
does. Life is—for sure—tough, but I can handle it.
And if you’re someone who resonates with the topics of this story a
little too much, then let me tell you this. Life is a gift, and even though
it might not seem right now, there is a way from the darkness. You will
get better. And if your demons are too strong for you, then please, don’t be
afraid to ask for help.