Birds singing, sun shining, everything feels alive. Everything but Theo. For Theo, it’s a blue day. Another year has come and gone and this day is once again a little different than all the rest. Today’s a reminder. A reminder that 23 years ago he took his first breath, opened his eyes, and cried. Many things had changed since, and yet, there may be some similarity between those two days, because he may cry again.
Sitting in his garden, sipping tea. For an unbiased observer everything must feel alright, and peaceful, however, the closer you look, the darker everything gets. Looking at Theo, there’s no sadness nor happiness. There’s nothing. Nothing but an endless dark void of meaningless thoughts and unanswered questions. He sings to himself: “Ha-ppy Birth—daay to- you… Happy Birthday to you”, a tear has appeared on his cheek, eyes turned red, as he continues. “Happy Birthday… Dear Theo… Ha-ppy Birth—daay to you.”
One singular tear. That was all he allowed himself. Nothing more, nothing less. As he gets back inside, he checks his phone. Two unread messages. One from his parents, and the second from a grandmother. Both saying pretty much the same, wishing him a happy birthday. “Good enough to write me a text”, he thinks to himself, “yet too bad to give me a call”.
Today’s tasks: Write an article for The Truth Teller; Legday; Organize emails; Read a new study, Run (5k).
As Theo’s looking at what he has to do today, there’s one thought occupying his mind. It makes him feel a little guilty for a moment, but then accepts it and goes with a flow his mind is taking him towards. Picks up a pen and writes, one more task to his list: “Don’t kill yourself.” In silence, he looks at his, now complete, plan for this day. The last point somehow satisfies him and gives him hope. It is because, for Theo, his task lists are everything, he has the tendency to obsessively plan and write down everything he has to do during the day, week, month, year, lifetime. When it’s not written, it’s not going to happen. His task list is his unbreakable promise. Once empty, bad things are happening. That’s why even on a day like this, the day of his birth, there’s nothing really different compared to any other day. Nothing but the last task. That task is saved only for special days. Special days like this.
Six am. The scent of scrambled eggs is filling up the kitchen. Everything is the same as every day. Three eggs, a tortilla, an apple, and half a glass of orange juice. The perfect breakfast and one of the few things he can rely on in his life. Even when everything around him is nothing but chaos, he can always be sure to always start the day with his favorite meal.
Today he can’t stop himself from wondering, why’s that every normal human on his birthday receives gifts, calls, and embarrassing tags on Insta stories, but he will have none of it. Every year he wonders, is it really right what he’s doing? And despite all the demons he has to fight on his own, the answer stays always the same. The bitter but honest Yes.
The thing about Theo is, that before he turned eighteen, he enjoyed his birthdays, but on that day, something changed. The year of his eighteenth birthday was a year of big parties and celebrations as all of his friends were turning eighteen as well. That year, many secret parties were organized as surprise gifts to his friends. For Theo, birthdays were always something special, and he made sure he has something prepared for each and every one of his friends. All the more it hurt him when he woke up on his special day, receiving no congratulation but from his parents which doesn’t even count.
In the afternoon when he met his friends, none of them mentioned that it was his birthday. Bitter and betrayed he felt and made maybe a little hasty but definite decision. He never wants to feel like this again. He didn’t tell anyone they forgot about his birthday, he didn’t want them to feel bad. He never told anyone ever since. It will hurt less, he thought, for no one to know about his birthday, than seeing everyone forget about it. They can’t forget about his birthday when they don’t know when it is. Since that day, you wouldn’t be able to find the date of his birth anywhere, he removed it from the internet completely. And as none of his friends wrote it down to themselves and counted only on a notification from Facebook, he now, since that moment, was to everyone but his close family, never born. And on the evening of that day, one dangerous thought overcame him. “If I was never born”, he questioned, “why shall I keep on living?”. It was quick. Too quick to think, to realize what is happening and if it wasn’t for a glimpse of consciousness that stroke him in the most important moment of his life to that date, he wouldn’t be here anymore. That evening was the first time Theo almost killed himself. He never spoke of this with anyone, he didn’t want people to be worried about him. He knew he can handle it, as long as his life will be perfectly planned to the smallest details so there will be no space for thoughts like the ones he had that evening.
The breakfast is almost finished as something wakes him from the auto-pilot mode his mornings have turned into. It’s a phone ringing. Nicky. One of a few people he lately calls a friend. What does he want? Does he somehow found out about his secret? Is he about to save him from melancholy as always does? With slight anticipation, Theo picks up the phone:
“Nicky. Hi.”
“Hi Theo, how’re you doing?”
“Fine, just finishing my breakfast. What is that you calling me this early in the morning?”
“Theo, I know your mornings are reserved for deep work and I wouldn’t bother you if it wasn’t important to me, but…”
The tension Theo feels is so dense, one could even touch it. What is it so important he calls him in the morning, it has to be his birthday! He can’t even sit still, jumping off his sofa.
“…do you know about the new product Laura is launching this week right?”
Like a hit of a fist, these words knocked Theo right back from where he stood just a moment ago. The anticlimax of all climaxes this really is.
“You mean the new line of cosmetics she was working on?”
“Exactly. Well, the thing is, we had for today planned to do a photo shoot for a launch. We had a photographer ordered for this, but she canceled just this morning because of some serious family reasons. We really need to take the photos today, or we won’t be able to prepare them for launch. So, as you’re probably the only person I know with an artistic mind, a sense of aesthetics, and good photographic skills, I was wondering, are you free this afternoon? I really hope I’m not asking too much from you, I know it’s a last-minute call but I wouldn’t call if you weren’t my last hope.”
“Well, I had some plans for the afternoon but nothing I can’t do later. Is 3 pm working for you?”
“Yes, that would be perfect! What do you want in return? I can offer you what I arranged with the photographer.”
“Nothing, you’re my friend. I can’t charge you.”
“Ok, at least I’ll prepare something to eat.”
“That’ll be more than enough.”
“Thank you Theo so so much. You saved us.”
“Nothing to be thanked for, I’m quite sure you’d do the same for me.”
“Absolutely. So… see you at 3.”
“Yes, at 3.”
The moment Theo hung up the phone, he instantly, nearly mechanically went again to his Todo list, to make necessary changes, he crossed out less important tasks and wrote: “Nicky, photoshoot”. Looking at his list, nothing but a quiet sigh he did. He didn’t hold any grudge against Nicky. How could he? It was his own decision that not even Nicky should know this secret of his. Still, he wishes for Nicky to know. A romantic idiot he has become lately. Hoping that someday, someone, somehow, will just know how he feels, how he struggles, how he hurts, and saves him. What a tragedy to not be able to ask for help, to be overcome by your own ego, to lose your own life.
Then he sat at his desk and began to work on the first task of his day, not knowing anything about what really should happen if he gets to Nicky’s house.
At the same time, on the other side of the city, Nicky was looking at a Todo list as well, but his was a little different. It was a set of tasks he needs to do to prepare a party. A party for Theo. Secret party. As he looks up, he sees his wife, Laura looking at him as a mother looking at her child after it did something rude. “You really did Theo dirty by this, you know that.” “I did, but this was the only way to get him here.” “Why didn’t you just tell him? Why all this mascarade?” “I know him too well. He would never come. His ego will not let him come. But the fact that somebody showed him love and he wasn’t able to accept it would make his life even worse. No, he needs a cure by a shock, by surprise. No anticipation, lightning from a clear sky.” “You’re probably right.”
Back at Theo’s, his hands are dancing on a keyboard, writing. One would say almost mechanically, one word follows another. He doesn’t think about it much. Writing articles became throughout the years as natural to him as walking, or breathing. He can put it on as a background task for his brain, and let his fingers dance by themselves while thinking about some other, more important issue. Issue of today? Loneliness. This feeling isn’t anything strange to Theo, after all, there are times, he deliberately seeks it, when he seeks solitude. Yet today is different. It is always different on the days like this. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he really needs to talk to someone, anyone.
There’s one thing that lets him finish his job without getting into the cycle of mental breakdown. It is a fact that once he finishes his work, then the 2 hours of therapy await him. With what therapist? With a barbell and a bunch of cold, dark plates. Almost as cold as his thoughts.
Sounds of an iron clapping, hitting the floor and racks. Grunts and moans of other people. The smell of sweat and high humidity. No music. That is exactly what Theo needs, and loves. Those sounds are for him what is a singing choir for a Christian or a prayer for a Muslim. It’s his religion. He speaks to no one here. He never does. Why would he? He’s here to train, as is everyone else. The silent comradery and appreciation of each other’s hard work are enough for him. Squats are the prayer of this day. Theo loves squats because they are one of the hardest things you can do in the gym if you do them right. He even passed out during a hard set few times. Weirdly enough, he loved that. The lightness of existence, carelessness of the moment, and complete silence. But the most intense and addictive thing about getting over his limit was the contrast. The moment before you start the set. The moment you put the weight on your back, and look yourself in the eyes in the mirror, you can hear yourself saying the worst things you can imagine. Your mind knows you’re about to do something hard, potentially dangerous, so she tries to stop you, by telling you that you’re not enough, that you will never be, and that all of this is useless. It makes you angry, furious even. You unrack the weight and get to work. One repetition after another. It hurts. And you love this pain. With every repetition that voice in your head gets quieter and quieter. Your head gets lighter as your lungs are unable to support your body underneath this amount of stress. You come to a breaking point. The panic button somewhere in your head has been pressed. “Stop now!”, it screams. But you know you’re not done yet. You know you can go over it, to another world. And this world is the best thing there is. No amount of woman, food, drugs, or money can battle this feeling. The moment of complete muscle failure. When you drop the bar behind you because you have no strength left to rerack it from where you took it. Now all the blood that’s been on a halt pulls back into your brain. Everything gets dark, calm, and silent. And for a moment, you don’t exist, nothing exists. You’re free of your body and all of its earthly problems. It’s wonderful. You slowly start to grasp at your breath, you’re getting back into the normal world, and you want only one thing. You want to go back. Back into the calmness and silence you’ve just experienced.
Unfortunately for Theo, today is different. Today, the voice in his head is stronger than usual. Swearings such as “No one ever loved you”, and “You’re alone, and you will always be”, are cutting deeper than they normally do. Once Theo gets to work, they are not getting weaker, they even graduate in intensity. He gets to a turning point when his brain starts to scream “Stop”. And he obeys. Once reracking the weight, there’s no reward, no calmness. Just voices. Voices telling him the worst things one can imagine. He’s trapped by his own mind. If he continues with his workout, his voices will get stronger, however, if he stops now, they will get stronger as well. Because not finishing training would work as fuel to the insults he has to face. If he could only make this stop. He tries one more set and gives up. Today’s not a good day for a workout. But for what is this a good day? If not even the best thing in Theo’s life will give him pleasure. Something’s wrong. Something’s very very wrong.
He somehow crawls himself home and doesn’t know what to do now. He deviated from his plan. Now he has one hour of extra time he has nothing to do with. He has to do something or bad things will happen. It’s only afternoon but for Theo, it feels like his day is over, like all of them are. All he wants is to lie down, close his eyes, and feel the darkness and calmness of passing out for one last time. Minutes are passing as Theo lies on a floor watching the battleground his mind has become, himself uninvolved. Fantasy intertwines with reality, notions become physical phenomenons, and in the middle of this chaos, one voice becomes louder than the rest. “End it. End it. End it.” Yes, he’s back, as every year, the devil himself wants Theo to join his ranks. “End it. End it. End it.” A thought of a kitchen knife came to his mind and at that exact moment, as if the Devil took control over his body, he stands up and heads that way. “End it. End it. End it.” In the kitchen now, Theo’s picking up a knife, and in its reflection he sees a man, twitching and shaking, pale like snow. And the eyes of that man. So empty even the void itself feels more alive. “End it. End it. End it.” Possessed, shaking even more, he starts to move the knife toward his wrist but at that moment something in his peripheral vision catches his attention, waking him up from the trance he was in. It’s his Todo List. His eyes falling on the next task at hand. “Don’t kill yourself.” With his knife still in his hand, he froze. Now fully sober he realized what was about to happen. The shock pulls his blood back into circulation as he feels another urge, this time a very different one. In a moment, he bursts out laughing, tears appearing in his eyes. The power of the moment. The realization that a stupid piece of paper just saved his life. Tears are now all over his face, heart beating like a war drum, pumping blood to places from which it was removed just a moment ago. Finally, he pulls down the knife and falls to the floor as if all the adrenaline dried off. He lies here, only occasional sobs breaking the silence.
After a while, he’s again able to think reasonably and realization came his way. Maybe he shall tell someone. He can’t do this alone anymore. This is too risky. He still has too much to do in life to get himself overtaken by thoughts like this. As if this was fate from the beginning, the bell starts ringing. Behind the doors, Nicky awaits, worried about Theo because it already passed a good amount of time since he was supposed to arrive at his house. With the phone dead, the only other way to make sure Theo’s alright was to visit him in person. The party was ready but it was nothing without the main protagonist. Little did anyone know that this protagonist was more than close to never appearing there.
Theo quickly jumps up and runs to the doors. Opens them and sees his friend.
“Theo. I was worried about you. You should’ve been at ours an hour ago. Are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, sorry. I just fell asleep. Give me a moment, I’ll grab my camera and go.”
“No, you are always on time Theo. No matter what you’re always everywhere on time. I know you. What is happening?”
Nicky always knows. Theo can’t lie to him. And, for the first time in years, he feels like opening up, a little.
“It’s my birthday Nicky. And I feel like, it’s finally time to stop lying to everyone including myself. It’s painful to be alone on a day like this. I’m glad to see you, Nicky. I really am. And you can’t even imagine how close I was to never seeing you again.”
Theo’s eyes, like the dams under too much pressure, could hold no longer. The tears now came from his eyes like two waterfalls. Nicky puts his arms around him, hugging him tight.
“I know Theo. I know. I have something to show you. Do you think you’re able to go with me?”
“Yeah, let me just grab my camera.”
“Forget the camera. There is something much more important. What I will show is something I should’ve done much earlier. It’s proof. Proof of how important you’re. A proof for you to realize how much of a difference you do in the lives of others and how much everyone loves you.”
“Nicky,” still a little sobbing, “what are you talking about?”
“I know today is your birthday, I found out from your parents. And I’m not the only one. There are around 20 people at mine’s, all waiting for you, to wish you all the best.”
“Nicky, I… I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Wipe your tears, get into my car and once we get there, act a little surprised, so they won’t blame me for ruining your surprise.”
“I don’t deserve a friend like you Nicky.”
“You do, and you deserve so much more. All you need is to finally realize that. You already made a first step, by opening up. Now come on, it’s time to have some fun.”
“I love you, Nicky.”
“Love you, too.”
This story is a work of fiction. Even though it was inspired by my life,
it does not reflect at all how the events really happened. I changed them
a lot to fit the narrative and story I wanted to tell. If you’re someone
who knows me, then don’t worry, I’m not struggling as much as Theo
does. Life is—for sure—tough, but I can handle it.
And if you’re someone who resonates with the topics of this story a
little too much, then let me tell you this. Life is a gift, and even though
it might not seem right now, there is a way from the darkness. You will
get better. And if your demons are too strong for you, then please, don’t be
afraid to ask for help.